September 03, 2014

adult thoughts

          Not like that, you perv!!! Get your head out of the gutter! What was it doing in there anyways? Seems uncomfortable. Of course, I've had my share of those adult thoughts too (can you say "Christoph-Waltz-licking-his-finger-in-order-to-successfully-turn-the-page-of-his-newspaper-as-his-thick-rimmed-glasses-slide-down-the-bridge-of-his-nose-in-slow-mo" much??? Be still my heart! I love a man interested in current events so I don't have to worry about them), but the kind of thoughts I'm referring to in this blog post (we'll get back to the Christoph Waltz fantasy another time) are the ones that cross your mind in the moments after you wake up and realize Father Time threw your teens out the window and pushed you through the door to YOUR TWENTIES. So handsy, that Father Time.
          So here I find myself, a vision in the same clothes I wore yesterday (nobody saw me ok??), surrounded by my collection of Archie comics and a puppy themed calendar. And I am 20. A blossoming young sprite thrust into womanhood, who now must start thinking even more about careers and the future and taxes and all the other thoughts and concerns that come with being an adult. For instance:
  1. Will I now have to invest in a toothbrush holder?
  2. Why is my left eye twitching so much? Seriously, it's been like a week. Is it some other weird side effect that comes with old age like this new, unusual longing to swaddle a baby's head?
  3. How does one swaddle a baby's head? I feel I will need to know this at one point. Hopefully in another 20 years, but still.
  4. Or maybe it should happen in the next few years so I can enroll my child in the same school as Blue Ivy and they will become quick besties because they will both be the best dressed kids in the class, obviously. Then Beyonce and I will bond over the struggles of raising a child whilst also being such a high profile woman in the media- her because she's Beyonce, me because of my extremely successful franchise "Dogzilla", which I think speaks for itself. It will star a computer generated version of Heath Ledger as the edgy and sensitive male protagonist in this "tail of epic proportions". 
  5. At what age is it recommended to stop wearing wearing the One Direction perfume?
  6. At what age is it recommended to stop listening to One Direction?
  7. Wait, people actually work at banks and I will sometimes have to sit down and talk to them? With my mouth? To their person??
  8. At my funeral I should have little gift bags that will have portable fart guns, so when people think about me, and obviously start crying, they can press that trigger and be reminded of the laughter I used to bring them. Also that I farted a lot. I will probably die a lonely spinster. 
          Ah, the joys of adulthood! I feel wiser and wrinkly-er already! In no time you'll hear me saying, "Back in my day, we sometimes had to ASK for the WiFi password!" because I'mmmmm dreaaamminnngggg offffff freeeeee worlldddwiddeee interrrnetttt accessibilityyyyyyYYYY... The world's changin' folks, and so am I! I can feel it! Although that could just be gas!


  1. You are so wise. I'll be 20 next year and I was really nervous about it (esp abt the toothbrush holder thing because whoa adulthood), but now I feel at ease because I have someone to turn to for advice.

    You rule.

  2. this must be one of the funniest things on the internet.
    I turned 26 yesterday and am still aksing myself the same questions (well, kind of, I've never been a 1D fan though).