the girl who hated november, a poem

(alternately titled: "the girl who loved january, february, march, april, may, june, july, august, september, october & december but NOT november!!! ugh!!! we should all just totally kill november!!")

there once was a girl who hated november,

when october would end, with a shiver she'd tremor (and not just because last night was halloween and it was spooky! even though she totally went to a haunted house with mark on halloween and she pretended to act more scared than she was and he like gave her his jacket and ALMOST held her hand but then a skeleton jumped out at him- seriously, mark? a skeleton? whatever he's cute though)

slowly and sadly she'd take down decorations

and mentally prepare for the november duration.

"i mean, who invented november?" she huffed with a sigh,

"it should go from october, straight to the bearded guy!

november's SO lame- now I have to wait a whole month,

to get my new laptop and Jimmy Choo pumps!!

there's a reason for the "n" and "o" in your name: 

because NObody wants you, you shouldn't have came! 

and while we're at it, march should go too- 

my birthday's in april and that just WON'T do. 

I can't have a whole month stealing my thunder! 

we'll have the first two months, then april, then october, then decunder! (december. it's a poem go with it.)

may through to august are too hot and too stuffy,

they make me all sweaty and my hair goes all puffy.

september's a given, who wants school anyway?

I learned all I need to from KUWTK*.

now that I think of it, jan & feb are a bummer! 

can I get rid of those, and take back the summer?

probs just july and I'll get a quick tan,

 while I hit up the beach and snag me a man!

I'll say bye-bye to mark, that little scaredy-cat,

he can take october with him- all that candy makes me fat.

so now that leaves april, july and december,

and winter is cool, but there's this time I remember:

when I wanted a doll but my aunt gave me SOCKS,

man, sometimes christmas totally sucks!!! 

I guess it's between my birth and july,

but if I keep having birthdays, then someday I'll die!!

so if I take that away, I'll just live forever

on a beach in the sun with the hottie Heath Ledger!"

so there once was girl who hated the entire calendar,

she also didn't know Heath Ledger died in 2008 so please, i beg of you, don't tell her.

*Keeping up with the Kardashians

 

untitled screenplay #2

INT. on a couple sitting on a bench. The silence is deafening, so the girl decides to break the ice.

GIRL: Want to hear a joke?
GUY: Sure!
GIRL: Knock, knock...
GUY: Who's there?
GIRL: Oh, haha, it's me, Sarah? I know you said you were sick but I thought I would bring you some soup! Hehe
GUY: Sarah! Hi. Umm... thanks, but now's not really a good time, I'm feeling super shitty and-
A WOMAN'S VOICE OFF CAMERA INTERRUPTS GUY.
GIRL #2: HOney who is it!?!
GIRL: OMG is there someone in there with you???
GUY: I uh-
GIRL #2 SLIDES ONTO THE BENCH LIKE SHE FUCKING OWNS THE PLACE AND SHE'S DRESSED IN JUST A TOWEL LIKE IT'S NOVEMBER??? ACTUALLY NO GET HYPOTHERMIA SEE IF I CARE. GOD. ANYWAYS SO GIRL #1 IS ALL:
GIRL: WTF Jeremy! 
GIRL #2: Can we hELP you???
GIRL: *sobs* Orange you glad I didn't say banana...

END SCENE.

hello this is dog

get it
because I changed my URL
because this blog was the farthest thing from a fashion blog
because I am the farthest thing from a human
because I am mostly dog
because I am typing this with my paws, humming "if I only had some thumbs" to the tune of "if I only had a brain" from the wizard of oz - toto is a distant relative, rip -
because I am a singing dog
(which is somewhat more impressive than a dog with the ability to operate a computer and run a blog apparently)
(but not quite as impressive as a CELLO playing dog with the ability to do his own taxes DAMN YOU CARL stealin my thunder for 36 dog years you son of a bitch)
but hey
what can you do
I am just a young adult dog
and this is my young adult blog

september inspiration

monthly mix: september '14 from hblaisauce on 8tracks Radio.

adult thoughts

          Not like that, you perv!!! Get your head out of the gutter! What was it doing in there anyways? Seems uncomfortable. Of course, I've had my share of those adult thoughts too (can you say "Christoph-Waltz-licking-his-finger-in-order-to-successfully-turn-the-page-of-his-newspaper-as-his-thick-rimmed-glasses-slide-down-the-bridge-of-his-nose-in-slow-mo" much??? Be still my heart! I love a man interested in current events so I don't have to worry about them), but the kind of thoughts I'm referring to in this blog post (we'll get back to the Christoph Waltz fantasy another time) are the ones that cross your mind in the moments after you wake up and realize Father Time threw your teens out the window and pushed you through the door to YOUR TWENTIES. So handsy, that Father Time.
          So here I find myself, a vision in the same clothes I wore yesterday (nobody saw me ok??), surrounded by my collection of Archie comics and a puppy themed calendar. And I am 20. A blossoming young sprite thrust into womanhood, who now must start thinking even more about careers and the future and taxes and all the other thoughts and concerns that come with being an adult. For instance:

1. Will I now have to invest in a toothbrush holder?
2. Why is my left eye twitching so much? Seriously, it's been like a week. Is it some other weird side effect that comes with old age like this new, unusual longing to swaddle a baby's head?
3. How does one swaddle a baby's head? I feel I will need to know this at one point. Hopefully in another 20 years, but still.
4. Or maybe it should happen in the next few years so I can enroll my child in the same school as Blue Ivy and they will become quick besties because they will both be the best dressed kids in the class, obviously. Then Beyonce and I will bond over the struggles of raising a child whilst also being such a high profile woman in the media- her because she's Beyonce, me because of my extremely successful franchise "Dogzilla", which I think speaks for itself. It will star a computer generated version of Heath Ledger as the edgy and sensitive male protagonist in this "tail of epic proportions". 
5. At what age is it recommended to stop wearing wearing the One Direction perfume?
6. At what age is it recommended to stop listening to One Direction?
7. Wait, people actually work at banks and I will sometimes have to sit down and talk to them? With my mouth? To their person??
8. At my funeral I should have little gift bags that will have portable fart guns, so when people think about me, and obviously start crying, they can press that trigger and be reminded of the laughter I used to bring them. Also that I farted a lot. I will probably die a lonely spinster. 

          Ah, the joys of adulthood! I feel wiser and wrinkly-er already! In no time you'll hear me saying, "Back in my day, we sometimes had to ASK for the WiFi password!" because I'mmmmm dreaaamminnngggg offffff freeeeee worlldddwiddeee interrrnetttt accessibilityyyyyyYYYY... The world's changin' folks, and so am I! I can feel it! Although that could just be gas!

poem

people always tell me, "sorry but i have to leave,"
and as they walk away they sneak a laugh into their sleeve.
is it something that i did
or is it something that i said
or is it something that i didn't say but thought of in my head
and if you truly are a psychic you will put me in my place;
but if you aren't, please tell me why, was there something on my face?

maybe it's an eyelash?
i hear those are for luck,
on your cheek just waiting for a breeze to pick them up.
i wish i was an eyelash so that i could float away,
and eyelashes they never have weird things upon their face.
or maybe it's beside that! i never liked my nose,
my parents, they have small ones
but mine grows, and grows, and grows, it's gross.

i hope it's not my lips or i'll need my money back,
i paid someone a lotta cash to make 'em nice and fat.

OOTD: lo$er

WEARING:

DIY "LOSER" cropped tee

American Apparel spandex leggings

ghetto a$$ runners

Aldo sunglasses

Today was the first day I actually changed my clothes since, like, Monday. So. That gives you a little taste as to how I've been. My left ear has been plugged from this damn head cold for what seems like centuries and I fear I'll never hear properly ever again for a week!!1! Anyway, so I decided to actually leave my tissue infested bed and go for a little walk but FIRST I had to dress the way I felt. This outfit was the outcome of those feelings mixed with a little Tumblr outfit inspiration of this one outfit I saw that I SWEAR I REBLOGGED and was going to post, but is gone into the ever growing vast interwebs. But I mean, it looked like this (kinda). Also, I really just wanted a chance to show my butt. I haVE A BUTT LOOK AT IT IT'S BEEN 87 YEARS I FINALLY HAVE A BUTT PRAISE DEBRA MESSING YOU GAYS!!!! I never in my life, ever ever ever ever ever ever, thought I'd be one to actually enjoy working out. Something happened to me. I must have been abducted. Or hypnotized. But it's happening. Help??? Or don't. I like my butt. Do you like my butt? Don't answer that, GRANDPA. But enough about me, how are you? HA HA PSYCHE! No one is here.

edit: I just realized my drink I've been drinking has SUCRALOSE IN IT. C'MON SERIOUSLY IT IS 2014 THIS IS STILL A THING??? AT LEAST MAKE THE FONT BIGGER GOD DAMMIT EVERYTHING'S GONE TO SHIT

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untitled screenplay

INT. TEENAGE GIRL(well, she's pushing it but let's just say she's a teenager because she's psychologically unable to perceive herself as a responsible adult)'s bedroom - NIGHT

TEENAGE GIRL is in her pajamas and has no makeup on/hasn't brushed her hair AKA she looks cute a frick okay don't even try to judge her she's her own person! A child!! T.G. is scrolling through TUMBLR and as we zoom in we see adorable photos of puppies (she's such a innocent one!!). Suddenly the bedroom door swings open and enter SUSAN, T.G'S overbearing mother. At that very moment, all the puppy photos turn into graphic hard core dog porn!! DOG PORN!! T.G doesn't follow tHOSE sorts of blogs!! She's a child! SUSAN casts a disappointed look towards her childish-yet-still-considered-a-teen-but-probably-should-grow-up daughter as T.G. frantically tries to exit the browser without success. As soon as SUSAN leaves, sobbing, the photos turn back to normal. Then, OH SHIT, SUSAN enters again and the cycle continues over and over and over and over and over again until the dogs come home.

TEENAGE GIRL

                           Pun intended.

PAN OUT

OOTD: peace tea

WEARING:
Thrifted yellow knit, blossom skort, bowler hat
Converse All-Star's
Thrifted name plate necklace
Thrifted circular steam-punk sunglasses
Black suede Aldo wedges

I hope this weather never ever ceases to exist. I can't remember feeling this happy in ages! Who knew all I needed was a little bit of vitamin D? Today I channeled my inner thrift demon and pieced together an outfit that reminded me of sunshine/My So Called Life. I then proceeded to pose very elegantly, as usual. You can always tell when I'm in the best of moods when I walk (dance) down to the Mac's store to pick up some healthy snacks (chocolate/ice cream) and go sit atop the playground where I went to elementary school and listen to music with all my friends (alone, with some girl and her dogs watching me). I think it's my happy place. But I guess anywhere there's chocolate and my best friend, Me, is my happy place. I'm honestly in such high spirits you could come up and stab me in the stomach and I'd probably just want to take a selfie with you. What? What did I just say? As you can probably see, I played around with photoshop a little with these photos, putting them side by side or is some funky blended layout; gettin' back to my Piczo roots. I ruled Piczo. I've been diddling with HTML lately, too, to try and re-vamp my blog's appearance but I only got as far as adding those ugly buttons you can see on the side. It's just so HAAAAAAAARD so TTTIIIMMMEE CONNSSUUUMMMIINNNGG. I'm not going to worry too much about it though, as my site doesn't get an extensive amount of traction anyway. BUT maybe that's why, because it's ugly?? Who's dog do I have to pet to get a professional site maker around here? Or a boyfriend? Or something? There must be a number I can call...? Anywho, I've had to pee this whole paragraph, so I'm going to go do that now also I've been listening to country music and enjoying it. I'm too happy. This is becoming hazardous.

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OOTD: black friday

WEARING:

Faux leather jacket from Forever 21

New York cropped long sleeve from Urban Outfitters

High waisted black BDG jeans from Urban Outfitters

Black leather satchel from...Urban Outfitters!

Black booties from Spring

Cat eye sunglasses from eBay

Wow, what look at this shit I'm really on my OOTD game theze dayz. Today was one of those fluke days where you're all OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SUMMER LET'S GET STARBUCKS AND DRIVE AROUND WITH THE TOP DOWN AND HEY LET'S GO TO THE BEACH WHY NOT OH WAIT NOPE IT'S A FLUKE IT'S GOD DAMN COLD OUT HERE BY THE WATER HELP!!!! But you like, do it anyway. It was chill. Also can I get a lint brush up in here? New super fun contest, spot the dog hair! Get on my level of pimp, people. My friend recently got in her possession a Ranger Rover (you can see it in the corner or and also it's the first picture rofl ok), so I'm really feeling that. I'm actually awful. We drove to the beach-each (ew) and basically just sat in the car staring at the water (our phones) because it suddenly decided to drop 15 degrees and become super foggy and cold, obviously. Stay tuned for another chapter of my ever so exciting life because apparently I'm ending this right now? Yep that's what's happening. I also think I'll upload a new video tonight or late tonight or something so SUBSCRIBE FOR THAT!

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OOTD: blue collar

WEARING:

BDG High waisted jeans from Urban Outfitters

Thrifted button up

Nasty Gal high low sweater

Aldo Baroque necklace

Beanie from American Apparel

Aldo backpack

 

Then I switched outfits super quick!!! Lol!!!!!

Hey! Welcome to the first outfit of the day post in 2014! How exciting! To be honest with you, I'm writing this post in my sweatpants because I was wearing that outfit soley for the post of a long overdue OOTD on here. Ha. Ha? I mean, I was totally going to wear it all day, but I began to have sweatpant withdrawals :((((( So here we are. I've had a lot of coffee. Caramel macchiatos are now the fruit of my existence. Aren't you glad I told you this very important information? I should go. Bye help me bye.