yes i VAN

that title made more sense in my head. like yes i CAN because i just moved out of my cozy, loving, secure house away from my parents to VANcouver and i need constant validation or else i'll cry haha ok you're right it's not funny when you have to explain it. after living on my own COMPLETELY WITHOUT A ROOMMATE TOTALLY ALONE HERE (ok i have a roommate but she won't come out of her room to dance even though i hummed really loud whitney houston's "i wanna dance with somebody" and A GOOD ROOMMATE WOULD NOTICE AND DO THE FREAKIN' SHIMMY. but anyways she's like a scholar, or whatever. so it's just me. we're lucky we got a place that's pet friendly or else what the hell would i do. because i'm a dog remember) i've noticed 5 things. yes 5. i just decided now that there will be five. i also just noticed these things.

1. food is expensive af so cut your tomatoes as thinly as possible to save food. like so thin. so thin you cut air and you're not actually cutting your tomato and then when you think you need to grocery shopping you remember, wait i totally have that tomato i pretended to eat!! SCORE!! then you die of malnutrition
2. LISTEN. i get it. you LOVE PLAYING WITH YOUR KIDS YOU'RE AN AWESOME, LOVING FAMILY. but HOW ABOUT just HOW ABOUT put on a pair of GOD DAMN SLIPPERS WHEN YOU RUN AROUND YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE ABOVE ME WHILE I'M TRYING TO RE-WATCH DAWSON'S CREEK. or MAYBE get your kid a BOOK OR SOMETHING NORMAL AND STOP ALLOWING HIM TO PLAY WITH MARBLES so he stops dropping them on your HARDWOOD floor. first of all this isn't 1923 and secondly HELLO CHOKING HAZARD WOW ACTUALLY YOU WEREN'T THE PARENTS I THOUGHT YOU WERE YOU DISGUST ME.  also he one of your kids sounds like he's actually dying up there etc etc
3. note to self: even though you love dogs unnaturally, it doesn't mean you will get a job walking and petting them. but i will keep trying
4. oh i will keep trying
5. legs are cool and good for walking?? like everywhere. gonna be so jacked after this full meal of air and walking literally 2342 miles

tomorrow is basically my OFFICIAL full week of living independently and i can safely say that wine is FINE after like a week or so of opening it and rice crisps for every meal IS a well balanced diet.

also here is me yesterday

also here is me a minute ago

also here is me in REAL TIME MODE 

so (club) life's (going) looking up

the girl who hated november, a poem

(alternately titled: "the girl who loved january, february, march, april, may, june, july, august, september, october & december but NOT november!!! ugh!!! we should all just totally kill november!!")

there once was a girl who hated november,

when october would end, with a shiver she'd tremor (and not just because last night was halloween and it was spooky! even though she totally went to a haunted house with mark on halloween and she pretended to act more scared than she was and he like gave her his jacket and ALMOST held her hand but then a skeleton jumped out at him- seriously, mark? a skeleton? whatever he's cute though)

slowly and sadly she'd take down decorations

and mentally prepare for the november duration.

"i mean, who invented november?" she huffed with a sigh,

"it should go from october, straight to the bearded guy!

november's SO lame- now I have to wait a whole month,

to get my new laptop and Jimmy Choo pumps!!

there's a reason for the "n" and "o" in your name: 

because NObody wants you, you shouldn't have came! 

and while we're at it, march should go too- 

my birthday's in april and that just WON'T do. 

I can't have a whole month stealing my thunder! 

we'll have the first two months, then april, then october, then decunder! (december. it's a poem go with it.)

may through to august are too hot and too stuffy,

they make me all sweaty and my hair goes all puffy.

september's a given, who wants school anyway?

I learned all I need to from KUWTK*.

now that I think of it, jan & feb are a bummer! 

can I get rid of those, and take back the summer?

probs just july and I'll get a quick tan,

 while I hit up the beach and snag me a man!

I'll say bye-bye to mark, that little scaredy-cat,

he can take october with him- all that candy makes me fat.

so now that leaves april, july and december,

and winter is cool, but there's this time I remember:

when I wanted a doll but my aunt gave me SOCKS,

man, sometimes christmas totally sucks!!! 

I guess it's between my birth and july,

but if I keep having birthdays, then someday I'll die!!

so if I take that away, I'll just live forever

on a beach in the sun with the hottie Heath Ledger!"

so there once was girl who hated the entire calendar,

she also didn't know Heath Ledger died in 2008 so please, i beg of you, don't tell her.

*Keeping up with the Kardashians

 

untitled screenplay #2

INT. on a couple sitting on a bench. The silence is deafening, so the girl decides to break the ice.

GIRL: Want to hear a joke?
GUY: Sure!
GIRL: Knock, knock...
GUY: Who's there?
GIRL: Oh, haha, it's me, Sarah? I know you said you were sick but I thought I would bring you some soup! Hehe
GUY: Sarah! Hi. Umm... thanks, but now's not really a good time, I'm feeling super shitty and-
A WOMAN'S VOICE OFF CAMERA INTERRUPTS GUY.
GIRL #2: HOney who is it!?!
GIRL: OMG is there someone in there with you???
GUY: I uh-
GIRL #2 SLIDES ONTO THE BENCH LIKE SHE FUCKING OWNS THE PLACE AND SHE'S DRESSED IN JUST A TOWEL LIKE IT'S NOVEMBER??? ACTUALLY NO GET HYPOTHERMIA SEE IF I CARE. GOD. ANYWAYS SO GIRL #1 IS ALL:
GIRL: WTF Jeremy! 
GIRL #2: Can we hELP you???
GIRL: *sobs* Orange you glad I didn't say banana...

END SCENE.

hello this is dog

get it
because I changed my URL
because this blog was the farthest thing from a fashion blog
because I am the farthest thing from a human
because I am mostly dog
because I am typing this with my paws, humming "if I only had some thumbs" to the tune of "if I only had a brain" from the wizard of oz - toto is a distant relative, rip -
because I am a singing dog
(which is somewhat more impressive than a dog with the ability to operate a computer and run a blog apparently)
(but not quite as impressive as a CELLO playing dog with the ability to do his own taxes DAMN YOU CARL stealin my thunder for 36 dog years you son of a bitch)
but hey
what can you do
I am just a young adult dog
and this is my young adult blog

september inspiration

monthly mix: september '14 from hblaisauce on 8tracks Radio.

adult thoughts

          Not like that, you perv!!! Get your head out of the gutter! What was it doing in there anyways? Seems uncomfortable. Of course, I've had my share of those adult thoughts too (can you say "Christoph-Waltz-licking-his-finger-in-order-to-successfully-turn-the-page-of-his-newspaper-as-his-thick-rimmed-glasses-slide-down-the-bridge-of-his-nose-in-slow-mo" much??? Be still my heart! I love a man interested in current events so I don't have to worry about them), but the kind of thoughts I'm referring to in this blog post (we'll get back to the Christoph Waltz fantasy another time) are the ones that cross your mind in the moments after you wake up and realize Father Time threw your teens out the window and pushed you through the door to YOUR TWENTIES. So handsy, that Father Time.
          So here I find myself, a vision in the same clothes I wore yesterday (nobody saw me ok??), surrounded by my collection of Archie comics and a puppy themed calendar. And I am 20. A blossoming young sprite thrust into womanhood, who now must start thinking even more about careers and the future and taxes and all the other thoughts and concerns that come with being an adult. For instance:

1. Will I now have to invest in a toothbrush holder?
2. Why is my left eye twitching so much? Seriously, it's been like a week. Is it some other weird side effect that comes with old age like this new, unusual longing to swaddle a baby's head?
3. How does one swaddle a baby's head? I feel I will need to know this at one point. Hopefully in another 20 years, but still.
4. Or maybe it should happen in the next few years so I can enroll my child in the same school as Blue Ivy and they will become quick besties because they will both be the best dressed kids in the class, obviously. Then Beyonce and I will bond over the struggles of raising a child whilst also being such a high profile woman in the media- her because she's Beyonce, me because of my extremely successful franchise "Dogzilla", which I think speaks for itself. It will star a computer generated version of Heath Ledger as the edgy and sensitive male protagonist in this "tail of epic proportions". 
5. At what age is it recommended to stop wearing wearing the One Direction perfume?
6. At what age is it recommended to stop listening to One Direction?
7. Wait, people actually work at banks and I will sometimes have to sit down and talk to them? With my mouth? To their person??
8. At my funeral I should have little gift bags that will have portable fart guns, so when people think about me, and obviously start crying, they can press that trigger and be reminded of the laughter I used to bring them. Also that I farted a lot. I will probably die a lonely spinster. 

          Ah, the joys of adulthood! I feel wiser and wrinkly-er already! In no time you'll hear me saying, "Back in my day, we sometimes had to ASK for the WiFi password!" because I'mmmmm dreaaamminnngggg offffff freeeeee worlldddwiddeee interrrnetttt accessibilityyyyyyYYYY... The world's changin' folks, and so am I! I can feel it! Although that could just be gas!

poem

people always tell me, "sorry but i have to leave,"
and as they walk away they sneak a laugh into their sleeve.
is it something that i did
or is it something that i said
or is it something that i didn't say but thought of in my head
and if you truly are a psychic you will put me in my place;
but if you aren't, please tell me why, was there something on my face?

maybe it's an eyelash?
i hear those are for luck,
on your cheek just waiting for a breeze to pick them up.
i wish i was an eyelash so that i could float away,
and eyelashes they never have weird things upon their face.
or maybe it's beside that! i never liked my nose,
my parents, they have small ones
but mine grows, and grows, and grows, it's gross.

i hope it's not my lips or i'll need my money back,
i paid someone a lotta cash to make 'em nice and fat.