October 19, 2012

horror movie survival 101

We've all experienced it: the slight creak in the floorboards when you're home alone, the paranoia that the person walking on the same road as you in the moonlight is a psychotic stalker plotting your gruesome death. Horror movies have taught us to be wary of these things, even if it really was just the wind and that person is actually out on a harmless, evening stroll (probably thinking the same thing about you). NEVERTHELESS, if there's one thing horror movies taught me growing up, it is that if you're ever in a position similar to that of the Almighty Sidney Prescott, or Laurie Strode or any "scream queen" we root for, you must simply just: follow the rules. 

1. Everybody's a suspect: Like Anthony Perkins said, "We all go a little mad sometimes," and your trusty ol' killer could be your unsuspected brother, best friend, friendly neighbour or SURPRISE your loving boyfriend; because we all know:

So if said brother, best friend, friendly neighbour, or loving boyfriend "conveniently" arrives to your aid soon after a near death attack with the masked killer, take a hint. 

2. "I'll be right back (I'm just gonna get murdered for a quick sec)": "I'll be right back" is a phrase that's only ever true if you're planning on returning as a GHOST OF YOUR FORMER IDIOT SELF. In everyday life, these words are reassuring, comforting even. In life threatening situations, such as being hunted by a madman with a meat cleaver, you're dead before you even have time to realize how STUPID YOU ARE.  **Other useless phrases include: "Please, no!", "Who's there?", "Everything is going to be fine", and "Help!"**

3. Stay together: What sounds more appealing: ganging up together to fend off and ultimately kill the killer, or separating to find help alone. In the middle of the night. With a murderer on the loose. Alone. When the phone lines are obviously cut. And you're alone. But hey, the choice is yours. Don't forget your flashlight, low battery cell phone (even though you won't get reception anyways) and maybe even throw in one of those reflective traffic vests to make yourself even more obvious. 

4. What ever was that strange noise?: Gasp! A mysterious noise erupted from upstairs? Whoever could it be seeing as it's just little old you in that big dark house!? Well, you MUST investigate! It's obviously just your parents scaling the side of the house to return home through your bedroom window. They also recently became deaf because as you call their names you receive no reply. Because they can't hear you. Because they're deaf. Oh phew, it's just the cat. Silly cat! Thank god you solved that mystery, now just chuckle to yourself, sigh and turn around slowl-

5. Avoid being male: I know for some it may be hard, but try your very best. Your macho-manliness cannot and will not save you. When has a big strong man ever escaped the hands of death in a horror movie? Think of Scream, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Prom Night...women always prevail. Unless of course you're flirtatious blonde airhead who cries and screams constantly or continues to pick up the phone every single time even when you KNOW it's a bad idea.

6. Run: Run as fast as you can and DON'T LOOK BACK OR REST UP AGAINST A TREE THINKING YOU'RE SAFE. Badass killers do this thing where they casually walk everywhere while you're trying desperately to escape, (are killers born with the ability to magically transport place to place? Or maybe they have a secret map of neighborhood short cuts!). Killers always get cocky and overemphasize with the knife in the air before the final blow,  so if you trip and fall GET UP DON'T CRAWL/LAY THERE AS HIS KNIFE SLICES THROUGH THE AIR AT A SPEED OF -78 MPH.
one...two...three...fou-okay there we go

7. ...But don't run upstairs: In the words of Neve Campbell as Sidney Prescott,  horror movies are about "some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door." Despite the fact she runs up the stairs to flee the killer shortly after this, it's an important rule. If you live in a normal ass house, you have doors. So use them. If the killer is at the door, use the back door because you forgot to lock it god dammit and then refer the rule #6. 

8. Keep it in your pants: The whole "virgin's never die" rule is only really true for Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween (nobody wants to see that), but the idea of the rule still stands. We can call this idea the Metaphorical Virgin. In horror movies, this is someone (not male HAHAHA) who is independent, outsmarts the killer, and refuses the temptation of men throughout the duration of the murder spree, while her sleazy friend is upstairs getting hacked to pieces because that's what happens to you when you're a slut. 

9. The legends are always true: Never and I mean NEVER ignore warnings. Oh, that guy said the house was haunted by the victims of a triple murder? We're living on an ancient Indian burial site? Whatever it has a hot tub and look at this VIEW! 

10. The killer is never dead: Just because you hit them over the head with a broom, or stabbed them once in the chest doesn't mean you're automatically in the clear and therefore have the green light to lean in ever so closely...because unless you've decapitated this dude, burned the body over a blazing fire, and then sprinkled the ashes into the Black Sea, they'll always come around for a final scare. 

If you followed these rules, you made it out alive. So, congrats. But there's always a sequel.