September 16, 2012

how to be as cool as winona ryder

I don't know about you, but one of the things (among many others) that keeps me up at night, is the fact I'm not the late (she's not dead), great (it just sounded better if it rhymed) Winona Ryder. If fall could be embodied by a single being, it would be this gal. She is possibly one of the eeriest, most stylish, chillest, most hauntingly beautiful human being ever... So I put my sleepless nights to use and created this list, or, "how-to" for lonely wanna-be's like myself to achieve the level of coolness Winona has layed forth upon this world*.

1. Be a movie-star:
Winona starred in some of the WORLD'S GREATEST FILMS OF ALL TIME and if you don't agree with me go ahead and watch: Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands, Reality Bites, Mermaids, The Heathers, Girl, Interrupted... see what I mean? So, obviously, the first step to becoming Winona Ryder/as cool as Winona Ryder is become a STAR!! And not just in the eyes of your mom, in the eyes of the WORLD.

2. Date a movie-star:

In her early days, Winona dated her Edward Scissorhands co-star, THE Johnny Depp, to conquer the universe as the world's ultimate super-couple. In a 1993 interview Depp was quoted, "I’d die for her, I love her so much. I don’t know what I would do without her. She’s going through a lot right now. I wish I could just kiss away the pain, make it go away, stop it, kill it! If she, you know... I don’t know what I would do. I’d kill myself. I love that girl. I love her. I love her almost more than I love myself." I don't know, I think he loved her.

3. Channel your inner tom-boy:

Try light-wash high waisted jeans, baggy tees and combat boots to embody Winona's effortlessly cool street style. If you're feeling SUPER WINONA, hit the town in head to toe black blazer and dress pants. This look is hotter than the asteroid that destroyed the dinosaur's, so bring them along in suitcase form to remember them by.

4. Have a slight criminal record: 

In 2001, Winona was charged with stealing $5,500 worth of clothing from a department store on Saks Fifth Ave. How glamorous! Not really, though, shoplifting is against the law! Don't do it! Kill someone instead, or something.

5. Never age, ever:
The scientists are wrong. Disregard aging! Stay youthful forever! If Winona can do it, you can MUST. Looking as flawless as ever at the premiere of her new film "The Iceman" at the Venice Film Festival 2012 (aged 65!!!!! How does she do it!!! Okay, she's like 40).

That's about it. You're welcome, and good luck on your journey to becoming Winona Ryder.

*If anyone has followed these precise instructions and woke up the next day as Winona Ryder please contact me as I have been trying for years without success.

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